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News page, updated every hour, on the hour...,

well, okay, may be not every single hour...............

 


May 2016: BIT OF WOOD takes place at Edgbaston.

in a thrilling match that saw the fortunes of both sides go up and down like a paper yoyo in a strong wind, there were great shots, poor shots, long putts holed, short putts missed, a chip in, a shank and an air shot.

Eventually The Swede and Winnie defeated T.C. and Ian by Two and One.

The Bit of Wood trophy was awarded on the bar afterwards.

 

April 2016

Next trip booked, excitement beginning, lots of new clubs being purchased. We are staying in the UK and playing Sandiway and lots of courses in Cheshire.

 

GRITTERS EXPENSES SCANDAL EXPLODES.

It was revealed today that four Gritters are to face additional questions about their expenses.

"It has been common practise to have a Mars bar and let the kitty pay for it" said one angry Gritter. "I defend my position robustly, it was clearly within the rules".

Another said "I don't mind not having a kebab, I don't actually like kebabs that much, if they want a kebab then that is their right and I would defend that right, but they should pay for it themselves and they should invite me to have one too".

The practise of flipping is perhaps the most serious allegation. A source close to the organisers commented

"Naturally I have two sets of golf clubs, in a golf society like this one I couldn't be expected to make do with just one set. The first set, which are mine and I paid for them years ago, are currently designated as my second set set and I keep them in my sister's bedroom in Dorridge and allow my parents to use them occassionally. The other set is worth a little less and so I keep these in a pawn shop in Yardley".

 

One leading Gritter, a Mr P. Orky, said "I don't know anything about it", which, of course, is true

 

 

GRITTERS ELECTIONS

Votes have been cast for elections to the Gritters Committee. With no clear majority emerging we now have a "Coalition Committee".

Representatives of both sides engaged in desperate talks to clarify official policy. Issues at stake are an immediate lowering of the par threes prize, a fairer distribution of prize money for those people with less than 30 points and a representative voting system.

 

 

 

Gritters News: New Bra is tested on tour

The photo shows TC and Porky testing two new golfers bra arrangements.

TC is wearing the "Lift and separate"

whilst Porky is wearing the

"force it all down into one big lump around my gut" model.

 

.

 

KNOWLE ADVERTISER:

In a bizarre twist yesterday, Mr Chris Roach (Gritters Work and Pensions advisor) offered his resignation when it was disclosed that  he had not declared 47.25 of advance trip deposits. Oddly, 12.50 of this amount came from a think tank based in Dorridge that no one can find.

"I can't remember much about it" said Mr Cockroach "It was an honest mistake".

A spokesman for the Gritters played it down and merely said, "we are happy for Mr Roach to stay on as Trip Organiser, he has made an honest mistake and made a 30 second apology, we put it down to him being an incompetent buffoon".

The only spokesperson available for the Gritters was a Mr P. Orky who said "I know nothing about it". Which, of course, is true.

 

 

GOLF NEWS

It seems that Toyota are not alone in selling faulty goods that must now be recalled.

The Ping manufacturer has identified a fault with the G5 driver.

"We would like to stress that the public are in no danger" said a spokesman " And not all clubs are affected".

It seems that after extensive research the faulty clubs have been narrowed down to a batch of just 12 located somewhere in the west Midlands area.

"We know about 11 of them", said the Ping chap "but there is 12th driver missing, we think that it might have originated in the west Midlands area but now have been moved south west, possibly as far as the Evesham area".

 

As luck would have it, this is the most affected club of them all. The user is likely to appear highly disorientated and a bit confused, he will be unsure of his ability to hit a golf ball at all. The most likely result of using the affected club will be a high girly slap with a severe slice.

 

The Ping bloke went on to say "it is most urgent that we track down this club and if anyone knows of its whereabouts they should report it immediately. All we have to go on is a trail of divots and a poorly marked scorecard with a scribbled barely legible signature which looks like Mr S. Stuff".

 

BURNTWOOD AND DISTRICT PARISH COUNCIL MAGAZINE

The future of the Burntwood library was in doubt last night after a series of bizarre, dramatic and quite shocking events occurred. "I have never seen anything like it" said one shocked resident, a Mrs Elsie Hangingbasket. "We quite often like to have some fun here on a Tuesday night, we let our hair down with Cheese and Wine parties, stamp collecting evenings and, most recently, a great night with guest speaker Mr Darrell Fone discussing the building of model railways. He had us all on the edge of our seats".

 

Last night though may have seen an end to these fun evenings in Burntwood. Mrs Hangingbasket takes up the story. "A gang of what can only be described a middle aged dull people gate crashed our evening. There we were eating cheese and discussing The Prologue to Chaucers Canterbury Tales and really letting ourselves go, when suddenly there were all these people not wearing their National Trust lapel badges demanding extra sugar in their tea. There were playing with their Corgi cars and quietly discussing "Push to Shove" ratios, which I will admit aroused my interest to start with but then realised it meant something else. It is really not good enough and to cap it all, after they had left quietly, we realised that some paper doilies were missing".

 

An investigation is now underway. Police are looking for some polite dull people, one of whom may be carrying a newly released Corgi Harrington Horsebox Ref DG213001 and a copy of last months Macrame Monthly.

 

SOLIHULL GAZETTE (PLANTS AND GARDEN SECTION)

 

"It's unbelievable," said a spokesman today. "First we are asked by a lunatic to have his clubs regripped for a golf holiday. The clubs were fine. We suggested that if he thought re-gripping them would help his game, then perhaps he would be better off taking a fishing holiday. He then asked us to check the alignment of his putter as he couldn't buy a putt. It's not easy getting quotes for a welding project of this magnitude."
The spokesperson was clearly in distress, but he continued, "Whilst on the subject of welding, we have also received a panic request to repair a Ping i3 3iron with a broken shaft. We don't know how the break happened. It certainly can't have been playing golf. The force that the club must have come under could not have been caused by a normal golf swing .I would suggest that it has probably been hit by a train, or possibly been used for tree felling as the marks on the grip look like those of a lumberjack".

 

FAKE CLUBS: WARNING !!!

There is a new scam doing the rounds.
Apparently there is a batch of fake Taylor Made Bubble Burners recently arrived in the West Midlands.
These are not the real thing but are in fact cheap imitations made by a small crew of disgruntled carpet factory workers in Redditch.
They are being sold off as "Second Hand, but genuine clubs in good condition" for about 60.
Buyer beware, these are fakes.
Note: You can tell the fakes as they will have a tendency to introduce a violent and incurable slice to your game. 

LATE UPDATE

"It is amazing", said a midland club pro today, "You can't give away Taylor Made Burner drivers for a year. I sell one for the bargain of the year to clear my stock, and within 48 hours I've had 11 phone enquiries begging me get them one. All anonymous calls. All said something about wanting to keep up with the big boy".
Asked how sales were in general he replied" Not bad, sold a new pair of shoes, three shirts, two jumpers and a pair of trousers today. I think it's all to do with confidence in your handicap".

 

FAIRWAY TO GREEN MAGAZINE: FAME AT ALST

Gritters achieve true fame at last with article featuring them in the October edition of Fairway to Green magazine.

(See Feedback section)

 

PHOTO ANALYSIS

Analysis of the group photo has apparently revealed that Short Stuff is either wearing transparent Cuban heels, or is standing on tip toe. At first we thought it might be out of sheer vanity, then it was discovered to be a deliberate act intended to make Darrell look shorter than he is on the photo.

What we haven't worked out is why Tippy is deliberately holding his tackle.

 

Knowle Chamber of Commerce Monthly Newsletter

 

Police were called last night to a bizarre and dramatic incident in Lady Byron Lane.

 

"I was in my garden at around 5.45pm, when I heard to the sound of breaking glass" said the owner of a rather splendid property adjacent to the second fairway of Copt Heath golf club.

 

Upon investigation, a golf ball was found to be the culprit.

 

"Someone must have done this deliberately", said a police spokesman.

 

From the position of the greenhouse and the angle of the ball flight, someone must have aimed directly at the greenhouse.

 

The only other explanation is so bizarre that it cannot possibly be true.

 

"I suppose that a golfer could have had a shank, but it would have to be with a long club like a five iron.

Shanking a wedge we could understand, we have all done that, but to shank a five iron would demonstrate a level of incompetence that is simply too difficult to believe".

 

The authorities remain confident that the culprit will be identified. A Scotland Yard profiler says that the golfer will be "a person struggling so much with his game that he should be giving it up for good but he is unable to face up to reality".

 

Police have this to go on as well as fingerprint and DNA evidence. Also closer examination of the offending missile revealed a logo. "Easy Air Conditioning".

 

The Police say that...."We are looking for a terrible golfer with a vacant expression who has recently installed some air conditioning"

 

Knowle Gazette

The Noise Abatement Society were called into the Stud bar at Copt Heath Golf Club last night and, in a dramatic twist, nothing much happened.

"I thought at first that there was an overturned sheep lorry" said Jurmind Shuttinup, the local area supervisor, "but it turned out to be two old blokes moaning about their handicaps".

Comments from other bar users were "I have never heard so much bleating in my life, I thought that perhaps there was an overturned sheep lorry" and " the younger one was dressed nicely and was quite good looking".

 

 

GRITTERS NEWS:

In a completely unexpected turn of events, Mr Chris Roach shot 39 points at Copt Heath Golf Club.

"I don't know what came over me", said Chris, "I just turned up, hit the ball and hoped for the best. When I added up my score afterwards, I thought that perhaps I must have accidentally played 27 holes".

 

 

 

CATERING GAZETTE:

47 bread rolls go missing from Knowle restaurant.

"they were on the counter at the start of my shift" said the waiter, "I swear I only left them alone for a minute or two, but some bloke just scoffed the lot". He had his eyes covered in a bandana so the only description I can offer is that he kept saying "Ho Hum, nice in here isn't it, any more bread"?

 

 

GRITTERS PRESS RELEASE:

The "Cash for Honorary Grittership" scandal has exploded. The Gritters committee deny any wrongdoing but questions have been asked in the pub. It appears that Honorary Gritters Memberships are being handed out like confetti in return for undisclosed "Loans".

The Gritters have always claimed that there is a lengthy in depth process of scrutinisation  which considers the applicants worthiness to be included.

"Applicants willingness to loan the Gritters some money has never been a factor" said a Gritters spokesperson.

"It is just a coincidence" said another.

A third spokesman (one Mr P. Orky) said "I know nothing about it"

Which, of course, is true.

 

REUTERS, ASSOCIATED PRESS, BALTIC REVIEW, AGENCE FRANCE PRESSE, BBC WORLD, GOLF MONTHLY

In a dramatic and bizarre twist of fate, the handicap of Mr Chris Roach was dramatically and bizarrely altered yesterday to be 15 strokes. "This is not before time" said the beleaguered Mr Roach, " I have been struggling with desperately bad swing mechanics for some time now and I believe that the handicap of only 12 was a major factor in my poor showing in the 2007 Gritters event when I finished in last place".

A spokesman for the Gritters Golf Society commented "Naturally we are all very pleased for Chris. the new 15 handicap can only be of great benefit. It is pretty obvious that he has been suffering lately with only 12 shots to play with, now that he is off 15 we hope that he will be more competitive".

A detailed analysis of the scoring on the 2007 Gritters tour reveals that, had Chris been playing off 15 and not 12, then he would have finished er.... last.

 

USA FEDERAL HEALTH TODAY:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
 

COPT HEATH WEB SITE

John Mayers, the well known Bon Vivant sepia finished estate agent's minder, today shot a net 68 and net 70 (par 72) in the 36 hole Final Medal. This is astonishing for two reasons. First, John has managed to get around 36 holes, no small achievement in itself! Second, this means that, in the critical period just before the Gritters Tour, he has been cut to an exact handicap of 9.0.

A Gritters spokesman was unavailable for comment, they were all too busy laughing. Well done John.
 

 

BELFRY PRO SHOP : NEWS FLASH : ALL NETWORKS:

GUESS WHO IS WEARING THESE? yes, that's right.

 

 

Putt Yer Helmetonn Firmly the Third, Chief Executive of the giant Footjoy corporation, resigned his post today.
His resignation comes after the worst trading period in the company's history. Shares in the company plummeted on the New York stock exchange as it was revealed the company has only sold one pair of shoes worldwide in the past month.
The alarming drop in sales has been blamed on the sales and marketing team's decision to produce a lime green shoe.
A spokesman for the company said "Putt has fallen on his sword over this one. Footjoy's reputation has been built on style and quality, who in their right mind would ever buy lime green golf shoes"!

The marketing department's responses was that, following a recent focus group research initiative, they were "aiming at the poorly sighted gay fireman with highlights but no sense of style market".

"Frankly, I'm amazed we even sold one pair" said the European Sales Director, "they must have been bought as some sort of sick joke".

Remaining stocks of these shoes are now being recalled with some haste.

 

 

GCHQ Intercept: Mysterious message received..............

To: Gritters.

I am a renowned mathematician of some renown and a part time Maoist sympathiser and carpet fitter. I have spotted a fatal flaw in your scoring system. I require that the sum of $4,000,000 ( Four million) is deposited in the account of the "Thermian Country Insurgent Socialists Against Totalitarian Warring  And Tyranny" (TC IS A TWAT) at the Dorridge branch of Nat West please. If this money is not there by Tuesday lunch then I will reveal all to the world. Further, if my identity is not kept secret, then a plague of marauding coral will be unleashed upon you and your followers.

 

The Red One

p.s. I mean it

 

 

 

PGA TOUR NEWS:

Unconfirmed (BUT ACTUALLY TRUE) reports of T.C, spotted buying new Driver.

 

Authorities are investigating claims that a little fat bloke dressed like a fireman with blonde highlights was spotted at the Belfry trying to purchase a dangerous weapon with no previous experience of its use.

 

"The New Ping driver can be a very dangerous thing for a useless golfer to try and use" said a Gritters spokesman who went on to warn the public, "The only safe place to stand is directly in the middle of the fairway".

 

"It just goes to show what uncontrolled use of a credit card can lead to" said a close colleague.

 

BELFRY PRESS OFFICE

A spokesman for the Belfry said "Obviously we cannot comment on individual cases but let me assure you that every precaution is taken before we sell clubs like this. We don't just sell them to just anyone. They must have a major credit card".  Rumours are also rife that the Ping Rescue wood has also been purchased. "If he tries to hit that driver, then he will be sure to need the rescue club" said the spokesman. Other sources have revealed that a young golf professional at the Belfry Club has been stripped of his PGA status today following an enquiry into the scandal. He is being comforted at home by his family. A spokesman for the Gritters when asked if funding would be forthcoming to support this young man in his hour of need said "Its nothing to do with us".

 

AGENCY TELEGRAPHIQUE

Monsieur Oudieuold A'Driver, the French Interior Ministry spokesman today called for calm amidst scenes of mass panic and chaos in the rural districts of northern France.  Small hamlets in and around golf courses in Brittany area have experienced a mass exodus of the population. It should be stressed though that reports of locals gathering in picket lines directly in front of 1st tee at Freslonniere are so far unconfirmed.

 

Using his words carefully he said "The chances of this Englishman making contact with the ball using this driver are not very good and the chances of him hitting it straight are so remote that there is more risk of being bitten by a Thermian Tree Sloth with bird flu".

It is understood that a special sub committee of the NATO security council will later decide to implement a no-fly zone over St Malo and that security will be stepped up at the channel ports of St Malo and Cherbourg following a strong tip off that the perpetrator will shortly be trying to enter the country under the guise of being a real golfer.

 

As for reports that Greenpeace had moved their toad protection squad into the pools and ponds around Brittany, he commented "Pas de problem. He can't even hit his irons that far".